Vael Tales
These are non-fiction, completely true stories told by the infamous Vael Victus.
Written in Instant Message form, because I attack my victims with stories while they are AFK. Usually.
It helps me remember.
I'll decide out of the blue to just tell people random stories of my existence.
Sometimes they aren't of my existence because I make them up like the butterfly one.
Last update: December 29th, 2009.
Story quick-find: The Happy Butterfly - The Journey - Lair of the Gators - The Great Turkey
Ghost Animals - NES: Part 1 - Vael Hosts a Rave - Vael and the 1957 Ultimate Frisbee Summit
Vael Victus and the Secret Ingredient of Eggnog
----------------
The Shark Attack
Vael: You know, I never did tell you about the time I was stationed in Hawaii.
Vael: A shark busted through the door, 2:22 AM.
Vael: I won't forget that time, because it was 2:22 AM.
Vael: I grabbed my shotgun, not knowing there was another shark behind me.
Vael: I blew the first one's head off, but the shark behind me surprised me and ripped off my leg.
Vael: I eventually beat it down with the butt of my shotgun.
Vael: I took a med kit from the medic's supply closet, sewed my leg back on.
Vael: I gutted out the sharks, both of 'em, turned on the stove in Officer McKinley's office.
Vael: I ate well for two and a half weeks.
Vael: May 21st, 1965.
Vael: Three men entered the cabin.
Vael: One lived.
Vael: That man was my uncle Elroy.
Vael: As for me, well.
Vael: You call this alive?
Vael: The end.
----------------
There once was a butterfly who liked to eat flowers. It had pink spots on black wings, with hints of orange. Its body was dark brown. It was sitting on a log from a mahogany tree. The log had a bright yellow-orange cap and a pale white stalk. The sky was blue, partly cloudy, and it was 70 degrees Fahrenheit. It was about 6:26 PM. Sun was setting. The butterfly was getting hungry.
It ate some flowers.
The end.
----------------
Vael: I was on the Mississippi river floating towards Georgia.
Vael: It was a peaceful day, despite the circumstances.
Smoreownage: um
Smoreownage: the mississippi river doesn't go thru or towards georgia
Vael: I had killed two men with my bare hands, strangled them.
Vael: They were thieves, you see, tried to steal my tent while I was sleeping inside it.
Vael: They almost succeeded, but one of them stepped on a rogue twig and I heard them. In the dark of the night, they stood little chance against my springboard handchoke attack.
Vael:So we were traveling through to Louisiana, and suddenly, one of them starts shaking.
Smoreownage: too bad the setting for this story doesn't exist since the mississippi river has nothing to do with georgia
Vael: It was about this time I realized I had, indeed, killed the men, but I had forgotten one factor:
Vael: Reanimation.
<This user is now offline> (he actually logged off in rage)
Vael: The radiation from the Minnesota river had caused them to start convulsing, and soon they began to rise.
Vael: I was scared witless at this point, to be honest.
Vael: I managed to wrestle one neo-zombie off the boat, but it only enraged the other.
Vael: He grabbed a spoon I had left over from dinner and swung it at me. Sensing danger, I took out my spare fork from my cargo pants pocket.
Vael: The duel seemed like it lasted forever, but finally, I stuck the fork through his forearm, causing him to wail in pain.
Vael: I took advantage and kicked him with a boot to the face.
Vael: The bastard took my spoon with him, but at least I had my vegeance.
Vael: I went down the Mississippi and set up shop among some homeless folk.
Rug (Greed): this is a great story.
Vael: They didn't have much, just a bunch of nickels from the cans they'd sell to the recycling facility.
Vael: Anyway, I saved up enough and bought a racing horse.
Vael: Thirteen years that horse stood, and by the end of it, I was living in a cozy mansion with a fireplace.
Vael: That was the best damn horse I'd ever seen.
Vael: The end.
----------------
Vael: I spent three years as a gator wrestler, you know.
Vael: They called me Big V.
Vael: Which was ironic, since I'm a pretty small guy.
Vael: The trick was in the technique. You didn't have to be big; you had to be strong, and know your technique.
Vael: The settlement was called Knockingbrooke Village.
Vael: I got a call from their chief, Chief Knockingbrooke, asking if I could assist them with their gator troubles.
Vael: The chopper landed at about 7:00 AM on a Sunday morning.
Vael: I spoke with the villagers and told them everything was going to be okay. Due to my size, some didn't believe me.
Vael: Four days we went without a gator attack, and then in the dark of the night, they struck.
Vael: I, personally, expected this. I slept for only 4 hours back in those days, now that I'm older I sleep about 6.
Vael: I heard one eating out of the village fish supply.
Vael: He was a nasty one, big teeth and all, and his scales were on fire.
Vael: I managed to kick his jaw around some, and wrestled him to death.
Vael: He must've had some reputation, because all the gators suddenly scampered off into the distance.
Vael: The villagers came rushing to me, and saw the corpse of the fire-gator.
Vael: One look at that gator, and you knew I was serious business.
Vael: They treated me for my fourth degree burns and in the next two days I was back on my feet.
Vael: Little did the gators know they should've planned a second wave during my healing time; for not one wave would succeed after that day.
Vael: But, quite frankly, I didn't suspect them to be master strategists either.
Vael: Every week or so, the gators would come 'round.
Vael: Sometimes we'd get some stragglers, I'd kick the crap out of them no problem.
Vael: It'd only get really challenging when three were on me. The most challenging I can recall was a lone gator who had heat vision. He came late in my endeavours, though, and by then I knew fairly well how to handle unruly gators.
Vael: So after being showered with food, money, and women, I said it was time to take the ball game to their field.
Vael: For this I asked two of the strongest warriors in the village to come with me.
Vael: They names were Bobep and Bebop. They were brothers. Giant fellahs, stood about 8 feet tall I'd say. I tell you I'll wrestle a gator, but I would never have wrestled one of them.
Vael: We set out at dawn. Thankfully Bobep was a master tracker and within three hours, we stood at the gator camp.
Vael: The plan was simple. I'd send both boys in first to act as bait, and then I'd rush in and find their leader.
Vael: I believed they ran on hive logic, and by killing the leader, the rest would enter a state of disability.
Vael: The Bobo's (their last names) rushed in, grabbed about 3 gators by the neck, at least, and I knew it was my chance. I rushed in, then, and went to the big shack where the gator was likely located. Thankfully, I was right.
Vael: It was him and me. Mano y gator. He was a giant bastard, I'd say about 5 feet high, 25 feet wide. I said, "Gator, it is time to die. You have terrorized the citizens of Knockingbrooke Village long enough. Your reign of terror ends here." with this, he merely roared, and the battle had begun.
Vael: I lunged at him, fists waving furiously throughout the air. I took out my Huntan Knife and gashed at his tongue, causing him to close his mouth with me in it, and swallow me whole. I held my breath and readied my knife. As I was being swallowed, I pointed the knife into his esophagus, and the force of him swallowing was soon his demise. I cut myself free of my repitillian bonds only to find the Boss Gator defeated.
Vael: I rushed out to see how the Bobo's were doing, and my heart was filled with sadness. Both fine warriors had been ripped limb-from-limb. That was the first time in 7 years that I had cried.
Vael: Using my rage, I sliced through all the gators like the spartans in that movie, 300. I was all like "fffssshhh" with the knife, and some gators were like jumping at me, and then one of them shot a cannonball at me, but I blocked it with the corpse of another gator. I jumped to the sky and threw down all my throwing knives directly into the heads of the remaining gators.
Vael: I made a bag out of grass, leaves, and spider silk. Took me about 10 minutes.
Vael: I carried all gator bodies in that bag, and put the two warriors on top.
Vael: I went back to the camp and was met with sadness because of the warriors, but happiness because I had finally destroyed the Lair of the Gator Tribe.
Vael: That night I had sex with seven women simultaneously and caused five of them to orgasm. I think I got them all, but the last two started doing their own thing so I wasn't sure if I caused their orgasms.
Vael: The helicopter came on the next day. It was raining. I was exhausted from the sex and gator wrestling, so I was quick to be out. I made a lot of money there, but that wasn't why I went.
Vael: As the helicopter took off, I turned to the opening. (you know, where people get on and off) And I looked at them all, with their crying faces, and I said.
Vael: "You will never forget the name... Vael Victus!"
Vael: The end.
----------------
Vael: Did I ever tell you about the time I was a turkey herder?
Jake: Nope
Vael It was Spring time and I had just gotten out of college, looking for work. I ended up going to a farm, the guy there was enthusiastic about me working. I think he thought I was cute. Regardless.
Vael: I worked there, herding the turkeys for about 3 months, when Farmer George comes up to me.
Vael: Says, "Have you ever heard about the Great Turkey?"
Vael: I said, "All turkeys are great. That is an oxymoron."
Vael: He said, "No, there is one far greater."
Vael: He laid it down for me:
Vael: Somewhere in Colorado, there's a turkey that is master of all turkeys. He has an orange neck and is 15 feet tall. Immortal, so they say.
Vael: He says, "Vael, why don't you and me... herd that turkey? I'll pay you overtime for the whole time we're there."
Vael: Two days later we were in Colorado.
Vael: We had to make a makeshift pen or else the Great Turkey wouldn't respect us.
Vael: I spent a good 6 hours building it. Stone, with some leaves and a few tumbleweeds.
Vael: Meanwhile, Farmer George cooked up the turkey's favorite meal: fried rat with montego cheese.
Vael: The sun set around 9PM.
Vael: No sign of the Great Turkey.
Vael: THREE DAYS, WE SPENT THERE, Jake.
Vael: 2PM, Saturday.
Vael: I just finished tidying up the pen, when suddenly -
Vael: Could it be?
Vael: It was, Jake. It was the Great Turkey.
Vael: I looked him in the eye, he looked me in the eye.
Vael: I got my herding stick, he got his wings ready.
Vael: Farmer George, bless his soul, was in the toilet suffering from the previous night's chili.
Vael: I knew that every muscle movement I made could scare the turkey away.
Vael: That thought iterated through my mind - and I realized.
Vael: The trick is... scare him into the pen!
Vael: Careful movements in between each other, in, out, slowly inching his way towards the pen.
Vael: I almost lost him for a second, when I stepped on a pebble I didn't notice.
Vael: But you'll be glad to know, Jake, I did herd him into the pen.
Vael: I said, "Fiska fiska fiska fiska!!!" really fast, and he jumped and went right into the pen.
Vael: I closed the gate quickly, and he realized.
Vael: He might have been the Great Turkey, but he was no match for me.
Vael: We drove home and went back to his farm.
Vael: We decided to let the turkey live, and in thanks of our generous gesture, the turkey blessed Farmer George's land.
Vael: His pumpkins were huge, and all turkeys there were extra big and delicious.
Vael: Anyway, I had to go on to be in World War 1. And I think George knew that. He says, "You show dem commies even 1/5 of the aggression you showed me, and we'll have won dis here war."
Vael: And as I'm sure you know, Jake, we did win that war.
Vael: And on the flight home, I took out my picture of the Great Turkey, and I kissed it.
Vael: Because I realized then:
Vael: The turkey did not only bless Farmer George's farm, but he also... blessed me.
Vael: The end.
----------------
(been meaning to do this for a while; this is inspired by Foxy Shazam's "ghost animals" song)
Vael: There I was - face to face with a grizzly bear in my motel room.
Vael: I was staying at the Baudelaire Suite in the famous Le' Rue Delashey hotel. It was only for about two days as I had another show to perform. (I spent a few years as a millionaire rock star)
Vael: He growled a mighty growl which awoke me from my slumber... I jumped out of bed, ready to fight, when I realized.
Vael: This wasn't a normal grizzly bear. This was a ghost grizzly bear.
Vael: In my time spent as a forest ranger, (a step below power ranger) I had faced a grizzly bear and won. With ease, I might add, though he did get a good whack at me.
Vael: Obviously you can put two and two together: this was the ghost of that very grizzly bear. And he was pissed.
Vael: He took my arms and he threw them over there.
* √ael points over there.
Vael: He took my legs and he threw them over there!
* √ael points over there.
Vael: With only one arm left, (I caught it when he threw it) I struggled out the window and fell three stories. I landed on my arm so it was alright.
Vael: I looked up at the balcony and the ghost bear taunted me. Threw down my limbs. He wanted a fair fight, just me and him.
Vael: I re-attached the rest of my limbs and yelled up to the balcony, "I will face you where the four suns meet on the quarter moon in the western part of Hiramuki forest!"
Vael: I had to cancel my next show date because I feared the ghost animal would appear and kill everyone.
Vael: The next day, he did appear, and we fought.
Vael: I kept my limbs this time. I figured out the trick to beating him was to wait for him to materialize to attack me, and then hit him at that moment.
Vael: Unfortunately I missed one time and he ended up clawing my head off.
Vael: Everything went black.
Vael: I died that night, but I'm here today.
Vael: Can you explain that, my friend?
[-ISO-]ÃŁ£ҳ: hmm.
Vael: I'm waiting.
[-ISO-]ÃŁ£ҳ: im thinking.
[-ISO-]ÃŁ£ҳ: It never happend?
Vael: No, Alexander. You fail me again. It means that I'm a ghost, my friend.
Vael: Yes indeed it means I am a ghost.
[-ISO-]ÃŁ£ҳ: I see.
Vael: Eventually I went to the Land of the Ghost Animals and said I was sorry, but I had to defend the camp against the first grizzly attack.
Vael: They let me come back.
Vael: Unfortunately, they took away my power to ejaculate.
Vael: So I could never forget the time I messed with... ghost animals.
Vael: The end.
----------------
Vael Victus sells a Nintendo Entertainment System: Part 1
Vael Victus: Did I ever tell you about the time I released the Nintendo Entertainment System?
Boltazo: no :o
Vael Victus: It was 1985, and we were suffering from a bad market due to the previous year's crash.
Vael Victus: Migamoto's like, "Vael, we need to sell 500,000 units in the matter of days or else the company goes under."
Vael Victus: I said, alright Miggy, but it's going to be tough.
Boltazo: (its Miyamoto)
Vael Victus: The Americans, you see, weren't aware of such new fangled technologies.
Vael Victus: They knew of the Atami, and played many rompous games of Space Destroyers, but ultimately we weren't sure if they were ready to take it to the next level.
Vael Victus: So I boarded a plane a week later with 500,000 units packed into storage.
Boltazo: wheredja put it all!?
Boltazo: your 500,000 Slot Bag?
Vael Victus: In the cargo bay, obviously. There were also a few men with me.
Boltazo: O.O
* Boltazo points over yonder
Boltazo: WOAH LOOK! A SQUIRREL!
Boltazo: <3
<This user is now offline>
Vael Victus: We touched down in the land where the skies were blue, in the middle of the pouring rain.
√ossk: Sexy.
Vael Victus: I had taken a first class ticket.
Vael Victus: I'll admit the first sales came with ease.
√ossk: I've heard that can be dangerous.
Vael Victus: I'd pettled the systems away in the major cities. I spent about two days doing that, sold 50,000 systems.
Vael Victus: But still Migamoto was displeased and I knew why. It simply wasn't enough.
√ossk: D:
Vael Victus: I decided we needed to pick up the pace. Make things more interesting. Catch peoples' eye.
Vael Victus: I decided to take a commercial out in the superbowl for the Nintendo Entertainment System.
Vael Victus: It involved me playing Donkey Kong and having probably a few too many drinks and a few too many women by my side.
Vael Victus: The good part about it was we didn't actually have to spend money filming because that was pretty much every night.
Vael Victus: So it aired.
Vael Victus: Two days later I get a call.
Vael Victus: "Vael!" says Migamoto.
Vael Victus: I say, "I know, I'm sorry, I'm a failure. I missed a barrel in the commercial. I should've taken the ladder."
Vael Victus: "No, you foor. We have sold 400,000 systems! We are close!"
Vael Victus: I hung up the phone and I ordered some corn fritters.
Vael Victus: Three days to go, 50,000 systems. That was nothing, having sold 50k in two days.
Vael Victus: Well, bob, I was wrong.
Vael Victus: It turns out those corn fritters were poison.
Vael Victus: Someone didn't want me selling my last 50,000 Nintendo Entertainment Systems.
√ossk: Son of a bitch.
Vael Victus: Thankfully my body detoxified the poisons due to the blessing of the Great Turkey. That, however, took a whole day to finish.
Vael Victus: We were now strapped to only 2.
Vael Victus: Mathematically, I was all set.
Vael Victus: Realistically, I was not.
Vael Victus: Since a lot of people bought the system, I thus would have to find brand new customers.
Vael Victus: We ran out of advertising money and Poncho spent the last of our pocket money on booze and women.
Vael Victus: To make a long story short:
Vael Victus: Poncho became a male prostitute, I sold 70,000 systems to his underground male prostitute conglomerate, and before I knew it we were back to Japan and Magimoto gave me the biggest hug he could give with his freakishly small Japanese wingspan.
√ossk: That's when you killed him, right?
Vael Victus: Unfortunately the story is not over, but he did indeed die.
Vael Victus: We went out to lunch the next day...
Vael Victus: His wife, kids, even their puppy came...
Vael Victus: Vossk, I.
Vael Victus: My fingers are shaking at the keyboard as I write this and I relive it in my head.
Vael Victus: And I thought I'd never see it in my life time...
√ossk: Drink a bottle of Robotussin, I've heard it's soothing.
Vael Victus: But the legendary Godzilla attacked that very restaurant.
Vael Victus: Crushed them all instantly.
√ossk: How did you escape?
Vael Victus: Vael Victus does not escape. I summoned my Nether armor from the heavens, Vossk. And I was ready to fight this legendary beast.
Vael Victus: TO BE CONTINUED
~*~*~bonus log~*~*~
[00:43] Vael Victus: Nintendo Entertainment System
[00:43] Smoreownage: ?
[00:43] Vael Victus: Nintendo Entertainment System
[00:43] Smoreownage: ...
[00:44] Vael Victus: Nintendo Entertainment System
----------------
Vael Victus: Leave a story, eh?
Vael Victus: Did I ever tell you about the time I hosted my first rave?
Vael Victus: Besides being born, I'm quite certain it's the worst idea I've ever had.
Vael Victus: It was the spring of '96. I think it was in May.
Vael Victus: My friend calls up, says, "Vael. We just heard about the time you were an electronica artist in the UK for 5 years. We just got two shipments of MDMA and we figured, fuck it, we'll never use all this, let's throw a rave. And who else better than Vael Victus?"
Vael Victus: I gave it thought. I asked about space.
Vael Victus: "Nah man just go into the forest and do yer fuckin'... punch thing."
Vael Victus: So, next morning, we found a rather lush piece of land. Really beautiful... and flat. Flat was key to my HyperPunch working.
Vael Victus: The trick with my HyperPunch was to spread its force -out- rather than -in-.
Vael Victus: So basically, I jumped up into the sky about 50 feet, and came crashing, fists-outward, into the ground. I tried to focus the force more around the earth than into, as I didn't want to make a crater. It worked beautifully
Vael Victus: So we start buying some lights, sending some invites out with my official Vael Victus street team. (keep in mind I was still very rich from my horse races)
Vael Victus: Three days later, it was a saturday, I remember... I set all the gear up, got some custom tunes, and around 6 PM, everyone started flooding in.
Vael Victus: Now this is where it started to become the worst idea I've ever had.
Vael Victus: Apparently my street team was very active, and we managed to get about 500 more people than we were expecting.
Vael Victus: Needless to say, we ran out of MDMA quite quickly, but there were some dealers there who we didn't trust too much as they just called it "x". Regardless, people were definitely high enough.
Vael Victus: The music was loud enough, it was delicious enough. The weather was perfect.
Vael Victus: Then 'round... 9 PM...
Vael Victus: Nature started to take its course.
Vael Victus: That's right, Leeder.
Vael Victus: Grizzly bears attacked the rave.
Vael Victus: Now unfortunately I had been coerced into taking some MDMA and I was in the middle of having sex with three women at once with the same penis.
Vael Victus: The good news about that was I fucking this one bitch I hated.
Vael Victus: Her name was Sherry.
Vael Victus: Nice name, horrible woman. Ripped some guy's testicles off with her teeth before.
Vael Victus: ( I didn't fear her testing-ripping abilities as I have Balls of Steel™ )
Vael Victus: So the moment I heard bears were attacking us, I pulled out of the other two girls, and went full-force into Sherry.
Vael Victus: It's safe to say I had a good grip on her. You know, cock-poon connection.
Vael Victus: So quickly, I got up, swung my hips, and flung her right into the grizzlies.
Vael Victus: This gave me enough of a distraction to get on the mic and tell all the (currently high) ravers that we were being attacked by grizzlies.
Vael Victus: I changed the music from a light psytrance beat to Luca Turilli's "Kings of the Nordic Twilight" song. I timed myself. I said that by the end of that song, I would rid this rave of our grizzly invasion. That gave me 11:37.
Vael Victus: There were about 40 grizzlies scattered across the rave, generally mauling and terrorizing people.
Vael Victus: I admit now I could've worked faster and I really should have focused more on AoE attacks, 'cuz there were a few of them in bunches at times, but I digress. At 9 minutes in, most of them had been defeated.
Vael Victus: I go to my friend, and he's like "Okay, 40 / 40 grizzlies defeated." and he gave me 5 gold and 60 silver. He then went on and said "But if you really want to save this rave, you need to go deep into the dark forest and find the mother bear... and defeat her. Lather yourself with her blood and I will re-establish this rave."
Vael Victus: There was no way I was doing that in 2 minutes, so I switched the song to Luca's "Prophet of the Last Eclipse." 11:49 this gave me to find and kill one bear.
Vael Victus: In and out I searched, and I began to lose hope: this grizzly was not to be found on land.
Vael Victus: Then I said - that's it! She's not on land.
Vael Victus: She's a SPACE grizzly.
Vael Victus: So I flew into the airspace about 300 yards above where the rave was located, and sure as shit - there she was, getting her spaceship ready to retreat.
Vael Victus: I grabbed the space ship and threw her out. Beat her up some.
Vael Victus: And do you remember that Pokemon episode where Ash was facing Blaine, the volcano badge guy? Well, charizard or magmar or something takes the other dude and seismic tosses him into the ground.
Vael Victus: I pretty much did that.
Vael Victus: I actually ended up crushing like ten ravers.
Vael Victus: No one bitched so I figured they were all in a group or no one would miss them, so it was all okay in the end.
Vael Victus: All in all, we lost a good 500 of them.
Vael Victus: Serves them right for overcrowding my rave, anyway.
Vael Victus: 1,200 ravers come into the rave, 700 come out. May 21st, 1996.
Vael Victus: The end.
----------------
Vael and the 1957 Ultimate Frisbee Summit
ÃŁ£ҳ: In gym we were playing Pickle Ball
ÃŁ£ҳ: not in the weight room
Vael Victus: PICKLE BALL?
ÃŁ£ҳ: yeah
Vael Victus: You need to play a man's sport to impress Miranda.
ÃŁ£ҳ: she was playing it too in her gym class
Vael Victus: Doesn't mean she's impressed, noob.
Vael Victus: You gotta do what I did.
ÃŁ£ҳ: its like ping pong and tennis mixed
ÃŁ£ҳ: its epic
Vael Victus: Professional frisbee.
ÃŁ£ҳ: ...
ÃŁ£ҳ: Frisbee golf is gay
ÃŁ£ҳ: same with ultimate frisbee
Vael Victus: That's right. That's why you play ultimat-
Vael Victus: WHAT DID YOU SAY
ÃŁ£ҳ: I play real golf as a sport, in gym we just play games like that as units
ÃŁ£ҳ: We happen to be in the pickle ball unit
Vael Victus: Did I ever tell you about the time I spent 6 months on the arizona ultimate frisbee team?
ÃŁ£ҳ: Oh god.
Vael Victus: The year was 1956. The president at the time asked me to show the soviets the power of America in non-violent ways, so I picked out the manliest state and it turns out it was Arizona.
Vael Victus: I joined up and these men were the unmanliest mother lovers you'd ever seen. Pickin' their noses, worrying about their uniforms.
Vael Victus: I met them and was disgusted. That night I went hiking near a local mountain and beat three mountain lions to death with my fists, skinned them, and knitted them into uniforms.
Vael Victus: I burned the team numbers into the back of the uniforms with my fire breath.
Vael Victus: Next mornin' the boys wouldn't shut the hell up. One guy puked, another threatened to quit, but at the end of the day they were all wearing those uniforms.
Vael Victus: We trained for about 5 months and in 1957 the World Summit Ultimate Frisbee Championship took place.
Vael Victus: We crushed every country as easily as the soviets did. France, down. Italy, down. Besides the soviets, the toughest competition was Turkey. Those turks sure did know their frisbees from their grizzlies.
Vael Victus: Finally it was the... ...finals.
Vael Victus: They raised the arena 40 feet into the air and, by my request, replaced the foam with mostly-razor-sharp spikes of death.
Vael Victus: There went my team again, waah, waah, we're going to be sliced in half. Waah, this is dangerous and so high up. Too many little men on that team.
Vael Victus: The battle started.
Vael Victus: The soviets shot three frisbees at us, we caught them all, used the inertia to send them back, and to the crowd's shock! The soviets caught them, and sent THOSE inertia-striken frisbees back to us.
Vael Victus: This was too much for Taunka, our foreign exchange player, and his leg was chopped off.
Vael Victus: Taunka was a good friend of mine and I was angry, so we used our reserve frisbees and performed our patented DeltaBetaTriforce maneuver, which struck a mighty blow to one of their unaware players and he was thrown into the spikey pit of death.
Vael Victus: This went on for quite some time. Back and forth. Some limbs lost here, some people fell into the pit of death.
Vael Victus: But the soviets were charging their ultimate frisbee ultimate attack.
Vael Victus: (for about 3 minutes)
Vael Victus: This was my chance, I thought. If I could reverse the inertia and send the frisbee back to them, it would explode and knock them all into the death pit.
Vael Victus: Do you know what happened next, Alex?
ÃŁ£ҳ: No.. what did?
Vael Victus: That's right, Alex. I caught it and threw it to their side of the arena, exploding and killing all soviets instantly. (before they hit the death pit) ( I think, at least that's what the crowd said )
Vael Victus: We were declared victors. The president was there and he came to me and he said, "Vael Victus, you have done this country a great service. I have something for you after the ceremony, please enjoy yourself and try not to make love to my wife this time."
Vael Victus: Turns out we had a lot more male fans than I thought and there weren't as many women as I'd've liked. I had only one virgin that night, but she was real good. Apple boobs. Cherry hair. Buns like melons. Heart of an apricot.
Vael Victus: The next day I visited the president and he said back in the days of world war 1, he decimated troops with a technique that's been passed down through president-man history for centuries.
Vael Victus: That technique is what you may know as my... HyperPunch.
Vael Victus: The End
----------------
Vael Victus and the Secret Ingredient of Eggnog
яadical νael: Don't forget that eggnog is elf semen
яadical νael: Learned that the hard way
яadical νael: Maybe that'll be a vael tale soon.
y3: I've never had it ^OOO^ I'm so boring.
* y3 sips his plain-flavored water.
Conversation ended: Thu, Dec 24 17:51:50 2009
Conversation started between яadical νael and y3: Wed, Dec 30 17:03:53 2009
Vael Victus: So, back to the eggnog.
Vael Victus: Due to my various accomplishments, around Christmas time Santa decided to contact me. One morning I got a letter from The Jingle Post and it was him, asking if I could help out this Christmas because they were understaffed.
Vael Victus: The pay was good and I got free milk and cookies, which I love. I accepted.
Vael Victus: December 24th, 1988. Clear skies. About 34 degrees I'd say. Very calm, very cool.
Vael Victus: Now you see, people can be so dumb. They think, oh, here's santa, he's going to drop by 500 million households in one night, boy I love Santa.
* Vael Victus sniffs.
Vael Victus: Idiots.
Vael Victus: There's actually about 750 Santa representatives, but yes there is actually a Santa, and yes he does deliver presents. He's pretty pro, probably goes thrice as fast as me at least.
Vael Victus: So we put on the suit and it's like taking on a disguise, or a polyjuice potion, you just kinda look like him. You don't gain his weight, but people think you do. It's pretty sweet stuff.
Vael Victus: Well I gear up, I'm at the north pole, they give me my sleigh. There's about 75,000 presents in each bag's memory, and when I enter the house's vacinity, the bag populates with their presents.
Vael Victus: I take off. I'll never forget the names of my eight reindeer and one [nameless] 500,000-candle-power foglight: Onore, Gloria, Victoria, Magneto, Benson, Voltaire, Corvus, and Benson.
Vael Victus: My region was South America, and we started in Argentina. (the place where that girl with the nicest ass in the world is) (no I did not have time to play with her)
Vael Victus: Drop off this soccer ball, drop off that disco light, I couldn't remember all I gave. It was the dolls, and the action figures, and all their equivalent Spanish knockoffs that Santa spawned at the factory.
Vael Victus: Some houses I remember distinctly, with the children being up. We had a little grenade we could throw down the chimney AND IT WASN'T A VIOLENT GRENADE, it was just a sleepytime grenade. So they'd all fall asleep, I'd throw on my camouflage Santa outfit, feel up the women, and deliver my presents. When I left, voila, there they were.
Vael Victus: Well this one house. This one house. Let's just say I knew why I was assigned to this region.
Vael Victus: I get down there, I detect many life forms breathing and their bodies are moving, so of course they are alive, and not zombies. (as zombies do not breathe) (not in south america, anyway)
Vael Victus: Throw down my sleep grenade, but -- oh no. :o When I get down there, no one is asleep, and why... why these aren't people at all.
Vael Victus: I'd been ambushed. Santa has elves, well, Sinter has goblins. And they were waiting for me.
y3: ( I love this story so far)
Vael Victus: "Vael!" shouted Sinter, "You shall not spread your Christmas semen to any more children, this year!" to which I replied, "Argh, Sinter, you - wait, what? Semen?" and he started getting into this lengthy explanation that I simply had NO time for, so I started to aggro the goblins and I punched them to death.
Vael Victus: Sinter must have not realized my great power, for he was taken aback. He whipped out his two kukri from his back, and ripped open his shirt, showing that he was wearing incredibly thick armor plating. I responded by whipping out my own set of holiday kukri in the form of incredibly sharp candy cane swords.
Vael Victus: I ripped open my shirt, and he knew that he was in for trouble. Where Sinter had his thick, armor plating, I had only two inches of incredibly thick, 200% testosterone-infused chest hair.
Vael Victus: So we fought. Slices my arm, and merely cuts a small line in my arm hair. I stab him in the leg and he begins to bleed.
Vael Victus: He tried to flee, but he was crippled, and I'd taken down his healer goblins. I could not let this villain go on to terrorize Christmas, so I was forced to pierce his chest with a single stab of my candy cane sword.
Vael Victus: His last words to me were, "... V-vael... ch-check the... vats of... eggnog... argh" and that was his last argh, for he died that night.
Vael Victus: I went back and I finished my presents, and thus had to go back to resupply at the North Pole. I was making great time, despite the fight distracting me.
Vael Victus: I get to the North Pole and tell Santa what happened, but not the last words of Sinter. Santa was glad to be rid of Sinter finally, but noted that Sinter does respawn about every decade and thus I would have to defeat him each time if I really wanted to save Christmas. Since I was making such good time, Santa decided to invite me in for some fresh eggnog. And this is where the story turns dark, my friend.
Vael Victus: We enter the eggnog chamber, nothing out of the ordinary. He grabs a hearty glass and pours me a hearty filling from the freshest vat they had. And I'm sorry to say, I drank from it.
* Vael Victus drinks.
Vael Victus: "Hmm. This tastes oddly like a substance I am familiar with..." I said to Santa. Santa now suddenly recalls my super sense of smell, as I recall the words Sinter had left me.
Vael Victus: "Ho ho ho, that is merely our secret, eggnog ingredient!" laughed Santa nervously.
Vael Victus: I got very serious with Santa.
Vael Victus: I said, "Santa. What is the secret ingredient?"
Vael Victus: "Ho ho ho! Well it wouldn't be a secret if I told you, now would it, my boy?"
Vael Victus: I had presents to deliver. I was not standing for Santa's bullshit.
Vael Victus: I punched my way through the freshest vat (don't worry, there were like 1,000 of these produced every hour) and went flying through a wall, and I found myself in the eggnog production facility... surrounded by all female elves. But they weren't dressed for Christmas... at least not the Christmas I know of. Tight shirts, short pants, I looked at Santa through the broken wall, I said, "... that's what a pimp does. Not Santa." to which he frowned and slowly uttered a guttural ho, ho, ho...
Vael Victus: I entered the next room, with the female elves all begging me not to enter. Stone-faced I walked through the door and I could not believe my eyes.
Vael Victus: Male elves, with female elf breasts in their hands, or female elf buns in their faces, but unlike a certain Christmas I do remember, they were not intertwined... no, my god, no.
Vael Victus: The elves were ejaculating their semen into tubes. I followed the tubes down, pipe by pipe... and I saw where it all went. A giant vat of eggnog, distributing its disgusting elf semen to the other vats.
Vael Victus: I wanted to kill every elf there. I wanted to rip Santa open and absorb his powers. But I was responsible. I knew that would only hurt the spirit of Christmas. I shed a single manly tear. :'| and I said to Santa, "I will finish my quota. I will be excessively jolly about it, too. I will pretend this never happened. I will not let the world know that eggnog is actually elf semen. I wish to never see you again. "
Vael Victus: The tension in the air was electric. Electric fire. Electric fire with filthy elf perfumes stinking it all up. I walked out the door, got into my sleigh, shouting...
Vael Victus: "Go Onore, go Magneto, go Gloria, go Benson! Go Voltaire, go Victoria, go Corvus, go Benson!"
Vael Victus: And I rose into the fog like a vulture in the sky.
Vael Victus: And they called me Vael Claus ...
* Vael Victus clenches his fist.
Vael Victus: The End
y3: I feel like throwing up.